I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
