when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
