I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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