I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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