so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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