dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I party with great urgency now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
