he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
