What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
