Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We're too hungover to prance.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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