Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
