Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Small penises have feelings too.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
