Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
