i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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