Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
