Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
