I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
