Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
