I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
