so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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