Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
