"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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