i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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