At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
