Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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