i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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