Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
