make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
