Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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