He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You smell like stripper and shame
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
