belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
