I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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