how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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