I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
