He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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