you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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