in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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