omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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