girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
