my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just saw a hot homeless man
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize