You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
