life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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