I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
