The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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