He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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