Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
