I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
