dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
