i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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