so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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