I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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