At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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