I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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