so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
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Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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