I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
