So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
