I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
