Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
