he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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